My Story

So this picture brings up an interesting point.

I try not to let people close to me.. I let it happen once and I got screwed whcihc is understandable So this is going to be my attempt to open up with you lovelies.

First off I was to warn you THIS WILL BE A LOOOONG POST..and all about me so yeah, for those interested awesome, if not thats fine as well.

I want to also say I love everybody that reads my blog. Sincerly, I love you guys. You are the collective group that I can trust and share things with, I dont have that anywhere else so thank you guys <3

So here's my story...

I'm a stupid girl that fell in love too young and got into bad habits.

My whole story starts with me hating myself. Everybody else in my school is so pretty and loved, except me. I was basically the black sheep trying to find a friend and fit in enough to find somebody to love me. I finally made a friend, Ana. In 7th grade I decided in order to be excepted I had to lose weight. I knew I wasn't obese BUT for my whole life I was thin.. and then once I began to get over 100 pounds I panicked and thought nobody would think I was skinny or love me. So i stopped eating. I actually got pretty thin in 8th grade. I looked like hell but I was thin. My hair was dead and my teeth looked yellow. My arms were so stick thin... I miss that

So I met him  when I was going into high school. He was amazing and thought I was pretty.. despite the distance we fell in love and here we are 2 years later. In between the 2 years there was cheating, lies, and drugs.. (all mostly on my side) so theres many problems. We still love each other but its hard to keep going. He was always there for me with my eating problems.

ANYWAYS the big part, what perpetuates my lack of self confidence, eating problems, and self-harm. My life has always lacked consistency and the most important thing ever was for me to be in love. I've always wanted a guy to be happy with, even as a young kid, perhaps you can blame Disney. However im the ugly ducking nobody would ever fall in love with. That idea was enforced by both me, and my father. He is the most important person in my life yet he's never been good at being the comforting father figure. He often yells at me, telling me all of my flaws such as I'm fat, ugly, stupid, unlovable, etc and he always tells me my tears are a weakness. He hates weakness. He always compares me to my half sister and says i will never be as sucessful or perfect as her. He likes to tell me he's going to leave forever, or commit suicide just because i'm awful to live with. Our rocky relationship has always left me mentally unstable and keeps me wanting to be skinny, just so maybe then I could be good enough.

Anyways yeah it sucks and it takes its toll on me. in the last year ive been turning to cutting, and drugs to ease the pain...lots of drugs. They work rather well except are very frowned upon. Especially by him.

So yeah.. i guess thats all i really half to say. It's weird to think once I press 'publish post' everyone will know. Hopefully you don't judge me but instead try to understand me. I don't want sympathy, I want to be pretty, skinny, and loved. <3 Thats my story. Thanks for reading it <3