Health Stats

I'm a 16 year old female.

Blood Pressure: 112 over 70

Resting Heart Rate: 76

I am 114.2 pounds which is 51.9 kilograms

I'm 5 feet 4 inches which is 64 centimeters

BMI: 19.6     :)


Body Composition:

How many pounds of fat I have: 26.3 = 11.9 kg
How many pounds of fat free mass I have (all the other stuff): 87.934 = 40.0 kg

Resting Metabolic Rate/ How many calories I need to keep my organs functioning if i'm not moving at all: 1372

Average calories I need a day: 1853

Musculoskeletal Fitness:
Grip: 65-Very Good
Push Ups: 0- Needs Improvement
Sit and Reach: 45- Excellent
Partial Curl Ups: 35- Excellent
Vertical Jump Strength: 25.4- Needs Improvement
Leg Power: 1838- Needs Improvement

So thats me in case you were interested:)

My Man :D

So in this post i'm going to tell you about my boyfriend. SOOOO if you direct your attention down the page to the guide to people I mention he's on there from before. Will and I have been done for a while but underneath will you'll find J. Thats him :) He makes me happier then I could ever imagine. He is a drug dealer but he keeps his two lives seperate and is the perfect guy for me. We started going out on his birthday :) My mom likes him and knows everything about him so I dont have to hide anything which is such a relief. For christmas the picture below is what he got me! Isn't it beautiful! :) Anyways, I'll post later fter I go to pilates and whatnot. Stay strong.

p.s. still trying to decide what to do with my whole blogging thing. I might just make a health guide one with a lot of personal posts as well that way it totally fits my new lifestyle and I can still support the lovely ladies that helped get me through the tough times. I would post thinspo, excersize facts/tips, some food ideas, and my measurements and health info. Tell me what you think

Long Gone for Far Too Long..

Ahh Darlings, i've missed you all terrribly. I've been gone for months now. Between my distress, parents divorce, and physical attacks it's been quite crazy. I'm at an interesting point in my life. While I was gone i've been physically abused, found love, got kicked out of my house, and found myslef to be content with my body. Im currently 114.2 pounds as of yesterday. I'm happy. I eat what I want when I want.

I recently went on a gym consulatation where they informed me that to keep my organs all functioning i have to eat 1858 calories a day. I do some days. Others I don't but the point im making is I no longer withhold food for weight loss. I learned the less I eat the more lean muscle mass i lose AND i weigh the same as I did when I was starving.

I'm not here to preach or "convert" you. I'm here to support you and receive support from my lovelies. I'm currently not sure whther i'm at a point to continue this blog, create a new one with more focus on me rather than thinspo (I would still include some but not as much) and my healthier habits, or if i should just stop blogging all together. Please leave a comment and tell me what you guys would be interested in <3


Much love <3 As always, Sophie.

Sex, Love, and All the Wrong Reasons.

Alright I think it's time I make myself clear. Yes I'm easy. Yes some view me as a whore. On the other hand there are some out there that understand my point. I'm aware I'm not good enough to be with anyone. I allow guys to use me for sex. It's better that than to be alone and suicidal all the time. That's why I do it. I understand some people have other Motives but in the end it usually boils down to not wanting to be alone. I believe there's a strong difference between making love and sex. Sex is the act of intercourse but making love is trusting and being close enough with someone to have sex on a more emotionally connected level which I find to he total bullshit. If I wanted to connect emotionally I wouldn't be randomly hooking up with these guys. If I was good enough to be more than a sex object I would be in a happy relationship but I'm not. Just had to clarify. Stay strong ladies I'll post tomorrow.

The Crucible Fever

So have any of you guys ever read the crucible? It's actually not a bad book and I'm reading it for my English class. In it the 17 year old girl named Abigail gets some dude to have sex with her even though he's old and married and now she ls tryingto get rid of his wife and be with him while at the same time she's crying out in court that all these innocent people are attacking her with witchcraft and getting them hung and put in jail. Anywayssss ironically enough guess who has to read the part of Abigail in class. Yep. Anyways I just feel like her. I'm so desperate for anyone to love and once I find them they claim it was a mistake and leave me trying to get rid if their girls. Its sad. I totally make up lies to get all my guys new bitches in trouble and make them want me back but just like with Abigail it doesn't work. The only reason she does the crying ou is because she grew up in such a sheltered religious lifestyle that now that she has power she goes crazy which is also strikingly similar to me. I grew up so sheltered and alone that once I realized I could get away with stuff I went crazy and here I am. I have an obsession with guys, im okay with being used for sex, and I tend to experiment with prescription pills. So yeah that's just what I've noticed On the other hand I have a fever and feel like complete shot. I look like a whale and I want to curl up and die. I'm just sick of being alone and I'm ready to get with anyone and everyone. I hope you guys are doing better than I am. Stay strong ladies

So I took will back because I'm pathetic and I hate to be alone. I told T I thought other guys were sexier then him when he asked. He was slightly surprised hahah whatever :) j is sooooo sexy. Everyday with him just makes me smile that much more :) I look skinny today. It's awesome :D I'm off to bed. Toodles lovelies. And thanks for the comments

Skinny Girls Have It Better.

Will cheated on me. Then left me. Yeah. He's the one that left. Pretty pathetic. Story of my life. To him I'm simply a 'stupid high school bitch' and an 'easy skank'. Awesome right? Skinny girls don't get cheated on and then left. The guy at least cheats and chooses to stay. More motivation for me I suppose. Be strong and happy Halloween

Superb Sunday

Shits been crazy lately but on the bright side I feel skinnyish. I need to watch what I eat more but damn it's hard. I'm such a bad blogger I feel like I dropped off r The planet. I'm sorry guys <3 i have to go because my boyfriends being whiny and jealous but stay skinny ladies <3

Sick Days

Sorry im so shitty at consistant blogging. I'm home sick so I have time todayyy :) It's all rainy out which sucks but oh well. I'm trying so hard to be good today but on the bright side theres hardly anything to eat. Will and I are doing okayish. He's all into commitment and shit which idk thats what I used to want but now i'm like ehhhhh. He's just not right for me but I feel bad telling him that. I thought guys were supposed to like no commitment sex. wtf?

Anyways theres sort of a new guy in my life :) He's in my business class and he's been soooo flirty. So remember a long time ago about that bet of me fucking B? Yeah well he found out. Idk if I told you guys that already but yeah ahahha. Hes actually been a lot nicer to me since that but now I don't really want him.
 J, his friend is sooooo seexy. He's already in the guide to people I mention and I tihnk i;m going to put him in tylers place. yeah he flirts with me all the time and of course I flirt back. He's super fun. He always throws things at me and picks me up and fake fights. Hes a blast to be around. I already get texts from the other guys in that class saying how he's such a player and he only wants sex but i'm totally okay with that. I'm super happy and it seems like it's going great. We get in lotion fights and everything always ends up getting physical hahah :)

Yesterday we had a rubberband fight and he taught me how to shoot them and B got involved so we were all shooting each other then B stopped shooting and started collecting all the rubberbands on the floor and J and I kept shooting at each other. He alwyays hit my ass and hardly there boobs and everything haha so I went closer and tried to actually hit him because every single one of mine missed so when I did he picked me up and put me in the chair and we wrestled around there and B was like "Okay J time to quit mackin" it made me chuckle and he didnt stop until the teacher was like what is going on hahaha. Then we were hanging out talking a little and we both only had one rubberband left so I ended up stealing his and when he was about to leave I was standing in his way and he's like oh want a hug and I said of course! and got my rubberband out and got ready to shoot him but he saw and spun away just in time so he was walknig out the door and I shot him. It made it through the closing door crack and everything :) it hit him and I ran and hid under his desk and he came after me and shot me under the desk and left haha :)

Just thinking about him makes me smile. It's hilarious and so fun. Meep :)

Stay strong ladies. I'm trying so hard to today <33

Mehblehbleh

I almost forgot the most important part! But we were laying there and he said he figured some things out about me. I asked what and he said he wanted me to tell him. So I did. Idk how he knew about the non eating thing but then I asked how he knew and he told me he used to have an eating disorder. I was in shock. I still am honestly.

This past Friday night....

Will and I had sex haha yeah that's really all I have to say for now except that when I sit my stummy doesn't roll! I'll post pics later :) stay strong darlings

Boys boys boys

So wills coming over tonight. I got a car today :) it's a 2006 dodge charger andnits beautiful black and sexy as hell. I talked to t and he apologized for everything and we went on to talk Anout the guy I'm sorta into right now. He's great and the past two days were non stop flirting :) including a lotion fight and holding hands and what not :D haha stay strog lovelies I'm coming back around

Love and Other Drugs

I'm trying to get back into blogging but going between my Mom and my dads is rough. My birthday is Sunday so that should be ehhish. I'm in a state of question. Anti anxiety and sleeping pills are making me weird. Not to mention a wee bit of smoking hahah. Anyways I'm in a strange mood. Is it better to love and lose then to never love? Heart break sucks and I'm really not sure. Give me your input ladies <3 I hopefully withhold assemble an amazing post soon :) stay strong

Terribly Sorry

I have  been gone for far too long. I'm so sorry. I'm at a consistant 115 weight still and I plan on cutting down intake. So remember that guy I met a little bit ago? W who I will Now be calling Will. While yeahh him and I are a couple. Hes 19 and in college for business. Hes the ideal guy. T's a dick and I told him off. He's out of my life for good. It sucks but its best. Im pretty happy with life even though its been consistant fighting with everyone. They put me on sleeping pills and anti-anxiety pills. I miss you guys so much <3 Best of luck so stay strong and I will try to get caught up on blogs. I miss you guys so thanks for the lovely comments <333

XOXO

I'm sorry I've been gone for far too long. It's been quite stressful. All I've been doing is eating but I'm still at 115. I thank you all for you lovely comments. :) what would I do without you guys! I will post later tonight and hopefully throughout the week as well. Stay strong

10/06/11

I'm simply broken.

Things Fall Apart.

I don't know where to start. Sorry for me neglecting my blogger responsibilities but a lot is happening. Basically my dads an alcoholic. Hes obsessed with money and values it more than family. Theres been lots of fighting and ugly things said so anyways they're getting divorced. He told me all I am to him is baggage and that if I cried he would only see me as a disgrace. Despite this I stayed the night with him here instead of going with my mom. My mom feels like I'm leaving her and i know she hates being alone so its rough. I've been eating non stop to cope and I hate myself. I feel so alone and lost right now.

Fa La La

So some crazy shit is happening but i dont want to talk about it. I'll tells you guys more when everything for sure and whatnot :/ I've been eating a lot due to stress and I cant get enough sleep. ever. I woke up at 3:13 unable to breathe due to asthma and allergies mixed into the worst experience of my life. If you make a fist and push it into your neck in the voice box area its like that breathing. It hurts and isnt comfortable so yeah. Not much else to say. Lots of school work to do. Im fat. same old same old. Stay strong ladies. Tomorrow I'll actually explain stuff and put effort into a halfway decent post. <3

What A Day

So I guess my friend talked to T.. She wont tell me what is  was about. All she said was it had to do with me and it wasn't good or bad and he calld me stubborn. I WANT TO KNOW! So much bullshit with drivers ed and school im sick of it. I need a break. Badly. I wasnt him to talk to me though I know he wont.. I wonder what they said about me. Its driving me nuts. Im still fat. Surprised? Not really.
Not much left to say other than than Im lonley as hell so here some comment responses from the last post :

Kim: I agree 120% So many things get to me sometimes for no reason.

Sparrow: I keep eating like a pig and worrying like hell. I want everything to wrok out and I'm so worried it's not going to. I feel like T knows me better than anyone else but that also pushes us apart. With W he doesnt know anything and thats hwy everything has gone rather well. I just dont know what to do anymore. Thanks so much for your support <3

Ahava: Aww thank you so much. I look rather lumpy lately though. I wish I had one person to go to and they would see how much i've changed but it seems like everyone is too self centered to open there eyes and ee how much I need them. That why I love you ladies I can say anything and know it's going to be okay. <3 Stay strong

Missing Pieces

So yeah Im depressed as hell and I have no clue why. I woke up in a fine modd now im having a melt down. I ate too much. Guys make me anxious I can hardly even function. Total melt down? Here I come. I feel as if anything I do is totally uselss at this point. Im always going to be fat. I'm never going to be pretty. I'm never going to be loved so why do I even bother. I want to curl up and never move. I want to have somebody to reach out and save me but I don't anyone to really know. I tried to talk about the stress of eating with R and how i'm breaking down but he didnt notice any peculiar.. If he only knew. Something in me is missing now if I could only determine what it is and where to find it </3

New and Old Followers:

Thanks for adding me :) It means a lot. I would love to follow your blog back but Blogger has some issues as we all know. I can only see some of your icons when you follow me. If I'm not following you and you want me to be then leave a comment or email me :) Stay strong ladies.

Broken.

I'm supposed to be happy. I finally found a guy that's willing to accept me and is everything I thought I wanted but i'm not. I'm crying in bed having an anxiety attack and I want T. I want to hear his voice calm me down and promise me he'll always be there for me even if its just a lie. I feel stupid like I'm messing up my only chance of having a guy and that is after all what I've wanted right...? I'm not sure of anything right now. I just want to see my phone light up and his number appear. I'm thinking about all the things we used to talk about. I'm not sure whether I should text him or not right now. I really want to but I don't want to push him away.

He destroyed my heart.

He left me broken just like he wanted.

I hope he's happy.

Sometimes I wish he could see the psychological damage he left

Other times I wish he would make it all better

My Darlings :)

Hello Ladies I miss you so much :) even though i posted yesterday im feeling rather alone. W and I are still talking and everythings going well. T texted me and we talked normally or whatever. I ate okayish today. I like W a lot and im so excited at the potential but I still don't get the smiley butterflies like with T. I almost feel like he ruined love for me. I loved him and he took that from me now im not capable of loving others? I have no clue. I hope he comes and sees me on my birthday. I really hope hes not with anybody :l I'm in a strange mood. I'm sick to my stummy and I have a sore throat. I want a guy to hug and hold and I want T to miss me. Sleep well ladies <3 I might post later, might not. I really dont know anymore.

I feel like a vase. You know the vase somebody once valued more then life, the vase somebody loved to death and spent all their efforts protecting it. Then one day they get a new, thinner better vase and care about it more. Eventually I, the old vase break since nothings protecting me and somebody else comes along and glues me back. Im still not as good as I used to be but nobody can fix me back to my original condtion.

All the glue and tape in the world couldn't make me whole again. </3

AHH! :)

Sorry I didn't post. Eatings been okay BUTTTTT I MET A NEW GUY!!!! He's Amazing and he is W. He's a freshmen in college and he actually wants a real relationship with me. AHHHH! He thinks im skinny and he picks me up flops me around like a rag doll and I love it. When I jump on his back I fit perfectly into his man curves :) I'm so happyyyy! He's tall blonde and totally perfect for me! :) For the first time in a while I feel pretty enough to be with somebody and determined to lose a little bit more weight to keep him happy. I have a good feeling about thissss :) I would ramble and talk about the how everything went but you ladies don't want to be bored with that so I wont  but yeah:) Hope you guys are lovelyyy <3      

Real Girl Thinspo! :)

Enjoy :)



Stay strong and work hard <3

Gymnastics Thinspo! :)

Sorry I haven't done any in such a long time! I plan on posting 3 or more thinspos today so be prepared to be inspired and amazed :D

SO I found inspiration from a beautiful blog <3 It's (Size) Zero Intentions. It's an amazing weight loss blog and I love everything about it :) Totally check it out :) Anyways like I was saying I found inspiration from her blog earlier. She loves gymnists and I never really thought about them before but they really are inspiring. Their thin flexible bodies conform into these eccentric shapes and they do it so gracefully so heres some gymnastics thinspo :)

:) That is what dedication looks like.

Jumble Update and Responses

So im home sick today which is nice and relaxing. I feel better but still not great. I woke up at 11:15 :) It was amazing to sleep in. Im eating. A lot. I had a cinnamon roll (giant one) and added extra frosting because Im stupid. I have texas toast in the over awith some chicken nuggets. Im losing control and I feel so bad. After I eat im either going to purge or workout. Although working out wont do as much I know thats probably the best option since im sick so yeah. I feel terrible but I honestly can't not eat it. I need control. I really want to get a hula hoop. I heard those work well and im amazing at hula hooping :) lol I hope you ladies are doing well. Im going to spend my day going on all the blogs I follow and leaving a comment on the latest post :) I've been bad about not commenting so now that wont be a problem. Alsooooo... Im not sure if I should continue trying to get to 90 pounds or if i should stop now. Opinions?

Oh yeah and T texted me yesterday. I answered but we didnt fight we just had a good regular talk :) yayyy

Comment Responses:

Twisted Truths post:
Karolina: Your totally right about the suicide issue but yet I still feel like people look down upon it and if they had to live the life of somebody in a suicidal mindset their opinions would change.. at least I hope they would. T is a dick but im ready to reach a place of civil frienship with him. I love your comments so much they have so many beautiful elements <3 I appreciate them so much.

A Fat Piggy: Lol yes you are so right. I'm not usually a crier unless everything goes wrong so that saying is perfect for me. Thank you so much for your comment <3 Im not following you and I must say I adore your background and color theme :)

:( post:

Sparrow: I'm glad to see a new follower so welcome :) and thanks :) I hate being sick and I always use it as an excuse to get lazy and eat more. I feel as if I am going overboard but im going to be able to get back on track I kow I can do it :) thanks so much for your support <3

Ahava: Soups are the perfect sick food but somehow eating soup makes me feel sick. I hate soup for some reason so idk im like weird i guess hahaah

Bella: I suppose your right and im determined to be back on track. For my relaxation I plan on taking a bubble bath :) i adore bubbles :)

:(

Im terible terrible terrible. Im fat as hell. Over 115 and still eating. FUCK MY LACK OF WILLPOWER. Im sick and starving so I keep eating I cant talk and can hardly breathe fucking shit goes from bad to worse. ughhh I'll post later if my middle doesnt explode from my weight.

Comment Responses:::

Tuesday post:

Ahava: I neever thought people would notice and so when they did that I was in shock, it was compleete horror. Nobody sees the lengths we go to. If my friends knew all of my thoughts they would be worried as hell. I spend the whole day thinking about food and  how terible it is and bargaining in my head whats okay and whats not. It sucks but its life.

Clementine: Well thanks for reading and I'm super glad to get a comment :) If they knew that it was a borderline disorder they would understand a little more but since they don't know the full scale of it sense i try to hide it as much as possible and because they are uneducated on the world and mindset of eating disorders theres no way for them to properly respond. They don't understand it at all so they think kind words and strong reasoning works... they would be wrong. Thankss again for them comment :)

Tuesday's Tears post:

Christina: Im not good at waiting. The more time that goes by is what kills me the most. I love you guys so much <3 idk whta i'd do without you

Karolina: I feel like even if i do find somebody else they wont understand T is probably one of the few guys that did try to help and stick around. It did push us apart and he had no control over it but then again I was at the point where neither did I. Thanks for the comment lovely <3

Twisted Truths

Not going to lie. I love him. More then he will ever know. But its time to move on and find somebody that I can be happy with. Somebody that loves my body for its lumpyness and accepts the disorders part of me opposed to "fixing it". I'm not a broken girl, only heart broken. I can still function, just not with the happiness and smiles I once had. I am a different person now.

Years and years of verbal abuse changes a person then right at that moment I thought I finally found the one. T. He resembled my dad in a lot of ways which really did impact things and draw me to him. He was the nicer side of him then I missed. Then after time went on he too changed. He changed just as my dad did and I should have seen it. Once they change you can't change them back so I tried to accept him for how he was and I only got walked on and cheated on 20 times faster.

I ate a lot today. I look gross. Im at 114 and I hate myself so incredibly much. I want to find a guy to be happy with but im scared. They wont like my fat yet they wont like my disorder so where does that leave me?.. alone. all fucking alone night after shitty night.

I still hope T and I can get back together. I know its a bad idea and i know if things went bad again id be pushed reeeaally close to suicide but maybe thats just the right choice for some people. Call it cowardly or whatever the fuck you want but if you've even been at the point of contemplating or attempting you know the truth.

Tuesday's Tears

T and I just spent a good hour or more talking about my eating porblems. It fucking sucks. I feel like now that im still messeed up hes moving on to find somebody else to make him happy and I just let any chances run away from me. Im sobbing in bed listening to mayday parade and thinking of all the ways things could be different :( I just want to be loved and to love somebody.

Tuesdayyy

So today was rocky. At school they got local pizza frm this amazing place and it took every ounze of willpower I had to say no. I even turned down a bite of my friends. She (A) later came with me to fix my hair in the bathroom and she was talking about how she was having mc donalds and then I was talking about how I wouldnt eat any cnacks afte school and planned on having a supcake for dinner. She got all mad and said "Sophie idk whats wrong with you but your obsessed with weight. You don't eat and your skinny enough im not just saying it because your my friend but its true. If you lose weight like this your going to be gross. What would people think of you if the knew about your diet pills? Because maybe theyll find out from me if you dont stop" Then later her R, B, and I were hanging around talking and my teacher asked if she should go to the gym I said of course its so good for you and you'll be happy you did it later and B turned to me with a smart ass smirk and said oh so do you ever work out? I said yeah actually I do but thanks and then R said and she wants to be 90 pounds and A was like yeah and she doesnt eat so then B started talking shit about how thats disgusting and wrong.

I turned so red and teared up. They dont understand what it's like. Im happy to know people are noticing but for them to give me shit is hard to take.

Comment Responses:

Drama festttt! post:

Christina: Im now following you :) Drama sucks. I just hope this shit blows over fast.

Karolina: Your humor is simply fantastic! lol I feel like I would be the girl to make the comment without thinking then backtracking like oh shit i meant something else...? hahah thanks for the chuckle <3

Texts with T post:

Ahava: He has my heart on a string my only shoice is to chase him like the little hopeless puppy dog i am

 Karolina: I love him but I hate him for the things hes put me through. After the bullshit and lies its hard. I want him back more than anything but he's the type to make all the promises in the world... with several girls. Its hard and Im never good enough therefore it perpetuates the eating problems and unstable mind set yet his words are like my bible and I strive to follow them.

Christina: I love him and his caringness but I hate him for the shit he's done. Its almost like each and every word is losing meaning now that him and I are at this point.

Run: I didnt think about it too much until it was over. Then i reread and freaked at myself for the things I said and him for being so him.

<3 Goodnight ladies

Texts with T

So I was going to post the whole conversation but that would be unbearable to type and for you to read so im picking out snippits that are eating disordered related

T: So are you eating normally?
Me: yeah.
T: Sophie stop with the bullshit and be honest.
Me:Your sure you want the truth?
...
T: Wait you just said 110 and you said you were done with losing weight and you didn't want to be like that again
...
T: Your gonna go down to 90ish and then the same stuff is going to happen all over again. I know i shouldn't just start talking to you and then say stuff like that but damn sophie you know whats going to happen
Me: I'd like to agree with you but I don't know. I feel like I finally have the control I lacked before. Plus I always lose weight during the winter since its so cold and I have swim. I just don't have anything else to turn to. My decisions never turn and walk out on me like you..
T: You know this is a bad idea you have to stop while you can
Me: I can't just stop. You should know that by now. Why the fuck am I discussing this with you.. It's none of your concern why do you even bother asking and "caring"
T: So you don't kill yourself. and I know your sick of all your food bullshit
Me: I'm sick of your bullshit but your still around.
T: Do you really have to do this every fucking time? God damn Sophie you know it's better to be healthy and not feel like your going to black out. It's so much easier to deal with your problems
Me: I pass out a lot as it is. It's easier but when anything happens I blame myself like 20 times faster. When I'm not eating I feel like I'm not doing as much wrong.

It went on about pills and shit and we got into a brief tiff but whatever. I dont even know why I responded in the first place.. hes only been trouble since the day I let him into my heart.

Drama festttt!

Note to followers: Blogger is on strike agains me. Lol I can't work it very well so if your following me and im not already following you leave me a comment with a link to your blog and I'll check it out <3 thankss

So the scale says 113. Todays been an awful day! So R and I have always had a weird sort of secretive thing together without A (my bff and his ex that still loves him) knowing. His last birthdya I went to a bonfire and a ton of people saw me there, So the kid my friend made a bet I would fuck was one of the kids that saw... I didnt think he knew it was me... yeeeeahhh. So anyways R came over this weekend and we didnt do much just kiss and he held me while I sobbed over Matt leaving.. It terrifies me. I also found out Matt shared the bet with B (the kid the bet is about) AWKWARD! lol yeaahhh he also said today I would be an unfit mother and I should never have kids, ever. but thats a different story. anywayysss

oh yeah so R came over and B called him and said hey dude where are you. He wouldnt tell him and B finally said dude i know your at Sophies house. I died. Like totally peed myself at that moment.

So yeah lots of fucked up stuff and tot top it all off? A (bff) was questioning me and asked if him and I had a thing. I played the part of the innocent victim getting accused by her untrusting friend and it worked. I swear if I don't get struck by lightening within a week its a fucking miracle.

Intake was good today. T texted me!!!!!! I died even more inside and we talked for a while he gave me shit about my eating and made me somewhat guilty but i'll probably post more about that laterrr.

<3
Comment Responses:
MEEP! post:
Karolina: Your list of suggestions is amazing! Im certainly checking out all of those :) I'm glad you want to kill me :) haha one of the only times I could find myself saying that one. I'm super pumped about it! Finally im getting somewhere! Thank you so much <3

Ahava: I know! I dont know what the hell happened but my body is finally working with me, at least for now! :)

Becca;: Lol thanks :) Im quite happy even though i have no idea how i pulled it off

Christina: I feel somewhat out of control but I like the fact that im finally losing weight. After all the research I have a few explanations for any possible scenario but Im always on edge and keeping track of every single thing lol Karolina did amazing on her list! Thanks for the comment I hope you had a lovely day :)

Im off to do god knows what. I might post a little more, until then <3 Stay strong.

MEEEP!

So my dad just gave me 500 bucks and im pumped. I'm putting it towards my ny trip and a nail visit so its really excited :) I've been eating like a cow since friday ive eaten: 29 cupcakes, 3 family packs of velvetta, french fries, 42 chicken nuggets and a meal from friendlys... yahhhh I started out weighing 115 and today im at 110. idk how the hell that ahppened, actually i didnt think it was even possible but its true. ive checked 3 scales and its all the same, if anyone has any clue of how this happened please tell me and no i didnt lose any limbs, only some brain cells and dignity. Im so happy right now! Im wearing a skirt tomorrow :) i still dont understand this but im just going to be happy while it lasts.
 By the way do any of you lovelies have good documentary or book title? Any and all suggestions are welcomed! <3 Just leave a comment

Comment Responses:
... post:
Karolina: I honestly dont even know i swiched between so many lol i do it quite often

Sarah: Im totally obsessed with it!

Obsession post:
Karolina: lol i love your comments so dont worry about how long they are  :) Im totally obsessed with magazines and their guides and whatnot. I konw its totally awful but i totally think it pushes people into these habits whether they know it or not. I've always had a fascination and once I was older to explore it I did and know im dying for more literature and documentaries on it!

Becca: I suppose your right. Im totally into trying understand what makes us so obsessed because its evident its a factor we all share. I dont understand it but I deperatly want to!

Run: I love anything having to do with the subject. I think being exposed to it at an early age through school projects almost made me more vulnerable to it. I strongly believe in education of disorders but at the same time maybe not so young if theyre looking to prevent it? I love the different perspectives even if im not into the idea of recovery I cant help but to absorb myself in it

Ahave: Indeed i believe your right. I feel like the blogs definatly pushed me into it all over again but at the same time its the only support i have to keep me from killing myself. my feelings are so mixed about this. maybe these blogs are unhealthy but so is depression and cutting from lonley desperation

Risk Factors post:
ednos Linny: good luck with your research :)

Neeska: Darling im so glad to hear from you! :) Ive done almost al my projects on ed's and i guess that never raised a flag at school lol I totally agree with you and are you a swimmer? I am and I totally have the boxish frame of it although it makes it easy for protruding collar bones :) we can totally get there especially with your amazing support <3

Christina: I agree with what you sya. I just have the obsession of tryingto figure out what triggers these predispostions in us. Some people can go all their lives and be fine. I just want to understand more so badly. I totally believe in the genetic beliefs and even the environmental factors. The way so many things impact us and set us off is so weird to think about! Thanks for the though provoking comment :)

Risk Factors

Im glad to know im not the only one with this obsession. I did a huge research project on eating disorders and what influences them. I mainly focused on media sources but while researching I did find that many scientists are believing theres a genetic predispostion to it. weird right? Also people that are cheerleaders, runners, and swimmers are more likely to try unhealthy weight loss methods. There was a lot of stuff I learned. Basically through the research I found what made me most vulnerable to ed's and thats the fact that my mom was always dieting when I was younger. She derived her self-worth from that and it taught me thats the only way to be happy. Another factor was nobody every gave me compliments of oh your so smart and witty the only said oh wow your so skinny or oh wow your so pretty which seems like a good thing until once I ot over 100 pounds I was terrified nobody would think these things of me So around 6-7th grade I started dabbling with purging, restricting, and dieting.
Below is a list of some factors that could have contributed to the development of problems.

Psychological Factors

* Low self-esteem
* Feelings of inadequacy
* Incidence of depression or anxiety
* Fear of the responsibility of adulthood
* A belief that love from family & friends is dependent on high achievement
* Poor communication between family members, or the reluctance of parents to allow appropriate degrees of independence as children mature
* Difficulty expressing emotions and feelings, particularly ‘negative’ emotions such as anger, sadness, anxiety or fear
* Ineffective coping strategies
* Perfectionism
* Fear or avoidance of conflict
* Competitiveness
* Impulsive or obsessive behaviours
* A need to please others
* Highly concerned with the opinions of others
* Prone to extremes, such as ‘black and white’ thinking

Social Factors

* Cultural value placed on ‘thinness’ as an inextricable part of beauty
* Current cultural emphasis on the need for a ‘perfect body’
* Valuing of people according to outward appearance and not inner qualities
* Media and popular culture's portrayal of men and women's shapes and bodies that are not representative of ‘real’ men and women
* Pressure to achieve and succeed
* Professions with an emphasis on body shape and size (eg. dancers, models, athletes)

Physiological/ biological Factors

* Scientists are currently researching possible biochemical and biological factors and their role in the development of eating disorders. Research has indicated that in some people with eating disorders there is an imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain
* Adolescence and the associated physical, hormonal and neural changes
* Genetic or familial factors, for example a person who is exposed to a parent or sibling with an eating disorder is at a higher risk of developing an eating disorder themselves. While no conclusive outcome has been reached, research has provided evidence that in some cases this is due to genetic predisposition - rather than just learned behaviour

External Factors

* Life events, particularly those involving major changes (loss of a family member or friend, the divorce or separation of parents, moving schools or jobs)
* Dieting
* Peer pressure
* Inability to effectively deal with stress, whereby a person lacks adequate stress-management strategies
*Personal or family history of obesity, depression, substance abuse or eating disorders
*Troubled personal or family relationships
*Sexual or physical abuse
*History of teasing or bullying, particularly when based on weight or shape

Obsession

So why is it that many of us girls that starve, purge, and behave in behaviors associated with eating disorders are obsessed with reading, and watching as much as possible about the subject matter. I don't know if it's just me or if most people are like this.
So here's my story about everything: Even before I engaged in the behaviors I was obsessed with reading about eating disorders. I did projects about eating disorders from the start of middle school. It always intrigued me and I'm not sure why. I don't know if I set myself up to become disordered or if it became constant subconscious thought but either way here we are. I love reading books both informative and fiction/nonfiction types, watching YouTube videos and documentaries, going on both pro ana and anti pro ana sites. They all seem to have them same effect on me so maybe I'm just crazy.
I'd love to hear from you so tell me if this is true with you and in what ways :)
Stay strong ladies <3

...

Im watching a ton of eating disorder stuff on youtube and came across a documentary thing and what they say are so true. You want so badly go to up to your friends and say Guess how little I ate yesterday! but you know if you do they're going to freak out and be angry. You want to praise but you must avoid the discipline from others without any understanding and thats really what I believe blogging helps with. We know the sturggles and act as the support you can't recieve from others. I just want all you ladies to know how much I appreciate your support.

Dear

***We were never meant to be lovers, Just fellow late bloomers who blossomed apart.***

If any one has time totally check this song out. It's beautiful and expresses the situation of T and I and I suppose self harm and young love in general. I've been listening to it nonstop. Dear by Maria Mena, shes an amazing artist with a passionate voice. </3

Thinspo Ideas?

Hey Ladies! I was wondering what thispo categories your interested in. Leave a comment with some names or themes and vote on the poll. The more feedback you give the more I will listen so yeah give me some ideas <3 :) Thanks darlings

Weekend Plans

So not too much crazy shit.. yet. Tonight i'm hanging out with the drug kid and just chillin. Tomorrow im hanging out with the drug kid and a ton of his friends so that should be a fun time... My parents left me alone in the house with 4 types of cokkies, cupcakes, pasta, velveta, chicken nuggets, french fries, hershey drops, gum, popcorn, bagels, caramel ice cream and cinnamon rolls. Im screwed. Let the binging begin? Ugh. I already ate velvetta, chicken, cookies, a cupcake, and doritos. Im so completely screwed. Wish me luck even though that won't do shit for this weekend. I just dont want to gain too much. I'm going to be okay as long as I'm not over 125 by the end of the weekend..Starting weight at 115. <333 Posts later tonight probably... maybe a few words from the drug kid since im bound to be fucked out of my mind :) so yeahhhh.... im thinking he deserves a name... Jason shall be his new blogger name unless he disapproves, then it shall be whatever his heart desires.  <3 LOVE YOU LADIES.

Bleh.

Intake was ehh today. Started good ended bad but what the hell its almsot friday. Home alone for the next 2 nights so that means drugs, guys, binging and hopefully purging. Im sick of being fat but I have the shittiest will power ever. Tomorrows the 16th and that was always T and I's day (fucked up grammer, please ignore) I dont know what to wear tomorrow, everything makes me look fat. I hate life sometimes. I might try to purge after I finish these poptarts.. not sure yet. I had a total meltdown and anxiety attack today. That was a blast. I really dont know whats going on anymore. A made a comment about my diet pills and how "they're obviously not good since they make you feel sick. you dont need them anyways, plus you dont want to turn into one of those fucked up twigs. I wouldn't even talk to you if you turned into that." .......little does she know how badly I want to become that, a skinny twig girl with motives and thoughts nobody else understands.

Comment Responses:

Since im so shitty and consistantly doing them im just going to start from my last post. To all the other comments before thank you so much. I love hearing from you guys. I post, go to bed, wake up the morning and check to see your lovely presence I so desperatly love.

The Road Not Quite Traveled post:
Skeleton Strong: My exercise is terrible. I hardly do it and I hate every second of it. Thanks so much <3 I know it happens to all of us but it seems like I do it allllll the time.

Ahava: I'm out of control lately I wish I could control what I eat but if its in reach it's in my mouth soon after. That milk stuff sounds disgusting.. it totally might work <3 Thank you

Rinnstein Prinzessin: I heard liquid works well. I'm going to make sure to drink water next time because diet pepsi was terribleeeee it turned my stomach into a fizzy carbonated olive juice mixture. It was terrible. Thanks for the advice <3

Karolina: Before I could do it so well I don't understand why now is anny different but im determined to make it work again. I know its not good but my willpower is that of a 5 year old being tempted with candy. I've heard a little about a saltwater flush but not a lot. It sounds strange but it might be something I look into. Thanks for the comment <3

<3 I LOVE YOU LADIES.

The Road Not Quite Traveled

WARNING: PROBABLY TRIGGERING....? BE CAUTIOUS I SUPPOSE?

So yesterday I ate like a pig and today I said, oh well I did it yesterday so whats wrong with it today as well?
It started with a Mc Donalds Hash browns (6) and cinnamon melts (3) and then nothing throughout the day. When I got home I ate a lot. Olives, fudge, cookies, bagels, toast, chocolate, cofee cakes, and lots of diet pepsi. I ended up crying and thinking what the hell is wrong with me so I decided to return to the dark side and try to purge. I tried everything I used to do but none of it worked. I pulled out all the stops, hunched over and sobbing with the once familiar taste of tears and makeup collecting in the corners of my mouth I dipped my fingers in pickle/olive juice and then down my throught and gagged but not strong enough. I tried again and thrashed them around my throat and incredibly far down and still nothing. I imagined the most foul things, drank olive/pickle/tums/salt/and water and I still couldn't. I honestly don't know why it didn't work. I just curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor and cried. I hate to say this but if any of you ave any sorts of tips please share them with me. I guess i'm back to this point in my life.. the only difference is I don't have T to hold my hand and pulling me back on track. So this time I shall wander down the dark path I previously explored only much more in depth. </3 I'll continue to cry, beg for drugs, and have my broken hearted dreams until my body manages to shut down for the night <3 I love you ladies so much. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. Comment responses tomorrow.. im far too depressed to come up with pleasant things to say to you wonderful women  <3

"Scary Skinny"?

So here's some pics of ladies considered scary skinny by many popular website. You ladies tell me what you think

Giuliana Rancic

Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, and Candice Swanepoel

Victoria's Secret Models

Alexa Chung

Coco Rocha

Marcia Cross

Desperate Housewife Star

Tara Reid

Stephanie Pratt

Jalene Gonzalez

Nadine Coyle

So leave a comment and tell me what you think of these ladies figures

Assorted pictures of me..

SO yeah ive took a few pictures with the intention of sharing them but am just now doing it so yeah here they areee

Some are upide down but whatever im too tired.