So I was going to post the whole conversation but that would be unbearable to type and for you to read so im picking out snippits that are eating disordered related
T: So are you eating normally?
Me: yeah.
T: Sophie stop with the bullshit and be honest.
Me:Your sure you want the truth?
...
T: Wait you just said 110 and you said you were done with losing weight and you didn't want to be like that again
...
T: Your gonna go down to 90ish and then the same stuff is going to happen all over again. I know i shouldn't just start talking to you and then say stuff like that but damn sophie you know whats going to happen
Me: I'd like to agree with you but I don't know. I feel like I finally have the control I lacked before. Plus I always lose weight during the winter since its so cold and I have swim. I just don't have anything else to turn to. My decisions never turn and walk out on me like you..
T: You know this is a bad idea you have to stop while you can
Me: I can't just stop. You should know that by now. Why the fuck am I discussing this with you.. It's none of your concern why do you even bother asking and "caring"
T: So you don't kill yourself. and I know your sick of all your food bullshit
Me: I'm sick of your bullshit but your still around.
T: Do you really have to do this every fucking time? God damn Sophie you know it's better to be healthy and not feel like your going to black out. It's so much easier to deal with your problems
Me: I pass out a lot as it is. It's easier but when anything happens I blame myself like 20 times faster. When I'm not eating I feel like I'm not doing as much wrong.
It went on about pills and shit and we got into a brief tiff but whatever. I dont even know why I responded in the first place.. hes only been trouble since the day I let him into my heart.
guys suck like that. you always want what you cant have, the guy always causes misery. its just a cycle i prefer to avoid. But its awesome that you were brave enough to even talk to a GUY about this whole deal. I never would have the guts ;)
ReplyDeleteAre you mad at T? I feel like I'd be half angry, half in love with him. What he's saying is the (addled, misunderstanding boy version) of what I always sort of want to hear.
ReplyDeleteI'd be torn on what to think about this. I'd love the fact that he cared so much but I'd also be so pissed off at the same time because he's prying into my personal issues.
ReplyDeleteIt's a difficult one.
xx
I'd be so torn on that. I can't imagine myself having that conversation, well I actually can and it would be in a similar way, but I'd be half pissed/angry and half happy that somebody cares enough to make that effort I guess.
ReplyDeleteI guess it's always difficult talking to people with no experience or complete understandings of eating disorders. xo