Not going to lie. I love him. More then he will ever know. But its time to move on and find somebody that I can be happy with. Somebody that loves my body for its lumpyness and accepts the disorders part of me opposed to "fixing it". I'm not a broken girl, only heart broken. I can still function, just not with the happiness and smiles I once had. I am a different person now.
Years and years of verbal abuse changes a person then right at that moment I thought I finally found the one. T. He resembled my dad in a lot of ways which really did impact things and draw me to him. He was the nicer side of him then I missed. Then after time went on he too changed. He changed just as my dad did and I should have seen it. Once they change you can't change them back so I tried to accept him for how he was and I only got walked on and cheated on 20 times faster.
I ate a lot today. I look gross. Im at 114 and I hate myself so incredibly much. I want to find a guy to be happy with but im scared. They wont like my fat yet they wont like my disorder so where does that leave me?.. alone. all fucking alone night after shitty night.
I still hope T and I can get back together. I know its a bad idea and i know if things went bad again id be pushed reeeaally close to suicide but maybe thats just the right choice for some people. Call it cowardly or whatever the fuck you want but if you've even been at the point of contemplating or attempting you know the truth.
I think that's what people are afraid to admit about suicide: if you say, even imply, that for some people it's okay, then mayhem ensues. It would become endemic, and suddenly BOOM WORLD ENDS or something.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry about T. I know the kind of guy / relationship you mean, and I've been in them. They do change.
If it makes you feel better, 114 is probably a weight most guys would ABSOLUTELY LOVE. A guy who accepts your body is likely to be a really good one. And one who appreciates / condones / accepts your ED is going to be a tool. Not right away, necessarily, but gradually and then suddenly. (To borrow a phrase from The Sun Also Rises.)
At the end of the day darling, the person that deserves you should never make you cry (besides of course the fact that I'm a crier so I cry about everything, but you know what I mean). Any boy that makes you question yourself and feel inadequate more than we already do isn't worth your time. I often think how i'd kill myself if my bf broke up with me, so I know what you mean. Sending you strength and courage! XXX
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